fog starting to lift

Well, here I am, sitting here wondering if all the decisions I have made so far this year have been right. Wondering and finally coming to the decision that whether they've been wrong or right, they've been made and I have to move on. I always thought that I knew exactly what I wanted out of life, and it's come to my attention that even though I may have said that I wanted certain things, I don't do anything to get them! I have been sitting on the sidelines for a long time and have always been afraid to live. I am 41 yrs old and even though I may have experienced alot in my life, I haven't really been living! I have been fooling myself, or so I thought. Why do I think that what I've been doing so far hasn't been living? I have a beautiful smart child, I am extremely proud of her. I have done a great job, if I say so myself! I am living, just very carefully.....I am rambling, I know, but it's just that I am confused and I am pretty disappointed in myself right now for letting myself go, physically. I have gained so much weight since I got let go, and I am not happy about it! I am a good person who deserves to find someone who loves me and accepts me, faults and all! I want a man who is kind, caring, gentle, understanding, inquisitive, patient...well of course, that's not all, but I feel funny listing everything. I just know that I will know who he is when I feel it. I will feel his heart and know....sounds dorky, but I have only been in love once, and he after being with him for 2 yrs, I realized that he wasn't really in love with me. How could he be when he was married, and had a daughter with another woman, all while we were together?!?! Yeah, I know...I was wrong for being with him when he was married, we were friends first, and I was going through my divorce and I'm not trying to justify my bad choices, just that it was a mixture for failure and was a realtionship of convenience. He had his home, and I had mine with my baby girl. I didn't need another man trying to be daddy, or trying to be a husband to me. I am a strong woman, maybe sometimes too strong. I built a wall, and it's been hell trying to break it down. I have a trust problem....I keep thinking that everyone I try to get involved with will end up lying to my like Joe did and will cheat on me, and will ruin my life and I will have to start all over again like I did when I left Joe. It made me hard and bitter...I don't want to be hard and bitter anymore. I want to know what it is to be loved by a man who is true. I am working on my weight thing, but I am not going to let that stop me anymore. I have always said "when I lose weight, I will try to go out more and maybe I will find someone" well, my weight has never been an issue with being with a man, I have had my share, yeah, probably not ones that were good for me, but they served their purpose! hahaha I know, that's mean, but I was never looking for anyone. Haven't been for awhile. I thought I had found someone who fit the bill a few years back, but I screwed that up, and probably ended up making him think I was a psycho stalker! But, you know what? I really liked him, but he was just as screwed up as I was. No excuses. He was married, in turmoil about getting a divorce(his wife had told him that she wanted out, at least that what he told me) of course I bought it hook line and sinker....got involved, he didn't want to be, he was still married, didn't know what he wanted, started drinking more, didn't want anyone to know about the two of us, so hello.....it wasn't the greatest situation, so I pulled back and told him that I would wait until he got his crap together. Well, when he did, he didn't want me, I was just a rebound...but, hey, what didn I expect? A life long love affair? He was getting out of a relationship and all I was, was a f*%& when he could find the time without feeling guilty. Well that whole thing was short lived, he played me. He told me that he cared. I told him that I wouldn't let anything sexual happen unless I cared for a guy...well, he played it and I started caring for him. What a fool I was, but you live and learn, right? Thought he was different, but he was just like all the other guys I have had the misfortune to become involved with. That all changes today.....never again. if I want sex, then so be it. if I want it, not if he wants it, not because he sweet talks me, not because i am falling for him. He will be the one pursuing ME. I am not going to allow that kind of behavior towards me anymore! I have survived alot of crap in my life, and I am no longer going to take any! I am a strong beautiful woman who deserves to be with a man who is both good looking, sexy, extremely sexual, active, kind generous, hard working, and well, just the total package....the package that is perfect for ME!