Work in Progress

The End is Near!! Or should I say the beginning??

2011-10-06T18:15:00.001-07:00

Stay tuned.....postings of current product offerings to be posted soon....

Sat Jan 29 224.5

2011-01-28T23:16:00.000-08:00

Holy crap! 6 weeks til Oregon! I have 6 weeks to lose 25 lbs! Definitely need to get on the ball! I will have to kick my butt in gear and do this! I need to be under 200 by March 11! I have wasted 3 weeks on the diet and ended up gaining 5 lbs...well no wonder with eating all the candy Krystal brought over and polishing off the ice cream..what was I thinking?! Past is the past....move forward....

On a more serious note....
Happy Birthday Martin....miss you and love you...you would be so proud of Araya...
She's getting so big...so much so that she totally reminds me of you. She's now in cheerleading along with Jujitsu...she's smart and has alot of your personality! Stubborn!

Fri Jan 21-221.5

2011-01-21T16:52:00.000-08:00

Doing good on getting back to at least 219.5 by Monday. Just kicking myself for wasting 2 weeks! Ugh....

Wed Jan 19- 223

2011-01-19T15:11:00.000-08:00

Trying to do good on the EF but with the stress of the new job, I am eating crazy.
I am glad to have lost 4 lbs of what I gained....would love to get back to 219 by Monday....TTFN

Jan 17- 227, back on EF, day 1.

2011-01-17T12:24:00.000-08:00

Ok, after a wasted week with bingeing and purging, I gained back 7.5 lbs. No blaming, no excuses. I screwed up...BUT I did have a breakthrough. I realize now that while I succumbed to the temptation to binge...it was not pretty when I got on the scale today. At least I know that the majority of it is temp weight gain as I flooded myself with major water as I gave in....
I have started the EF in earnest today. I will hopefully continue the EF until I can get back to where I was before the stupid binge! No matter, I will not let the minor setback affect me more then the time it takes me to write this post. I won't dwell on my stumble. It's been a long hard journey to get the weight off so far, and I will not let this minor speedbump change the course of my journey. I have always been so ready to forgive others when they have let me down in some way or another, so I will begin to forgive the one who should matter the most to me. If I cannot forgive myself, how can I truly grow as a person and acknowledge the fact that I have done an awesome job so far with my weight loss! I have lost 57.5 lbs so far! When I started this journey, I couldn't have even dreamed that I would have lost that much in a short time! I say short because over 4 months (and I wouldn't even count Dec because I totally went off plan) That's 16 weeks at a loss of 3.6 lbs per week...I am definitely proud of that accomplishment. I will not gloss over it and not pat myself on the back for that....
Sometimes the whole process seems so overwhelming and daunting...I know that I didn't put the weight on overnight, and I refuse to expect miracles overnight! I am trying to manage my behaviors and figure out the real reason I binge....I binge and I cannot manage my portions....Two big roadblocks when you're trying to lose weight, don't you think?! lol I have changed over to smaller plates/bowls. I need to work on portioning out the food prior to cooking, maybe that'll help....The bingeing is another story. I binge for the most part and self sabotage because of fear. I am afraid of success....If I succeed, I will have no excuse for not going out and living my life. Do I deserve to be happy? Do I deserve to find that special man to spend my days (and nights) with? Too often in the past, my answer would have been..NO....not anymore. I finally realized what I have been doing! Why did I let it continue for so long?! That is my only regret, but now I know that my answer to everything is YES!!!! I deserve to succeed, I deserve to be happy and to find that man that's gonna rock my world! With each pound lost, I see now that I am slowly succeeding in my goal! I never looked at it like that before...now my eyes are seeing a totally different picture....WOW....talk about looking at things through rose colored glasses....mine were more like blacked out glasses! I am resolute....I know it's not healthy to dwell on my failures so onward and upward! I AM human and I WILL make mistakes....no one is perfect. I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to take the steps in the right direction and carve out a better, healthier life for myself.....
DAY ONE of my new and better life.....

Jan 15- 220.5

2011-01-15T18:28:00.000-08:00

Going up and down on the scale...can't get away from the bingeing! Had another binge today, had 2 breakfast burritos(really??, why 2?) Had my water, then about 3 or 4, had to snack size snickers, and 3 large chocolate covered pretzels! (Why, I say...why?!) After, I cooked up 4 taquitos, put on a bed of lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, sour cream and salsa with rice and beans...way too much food, but I forced it down....I don't know why I sabotage myself! I will start clean tomorrow since meals and snacks are done for today.
My game plan is to start the EF once again. I have great results, but after more than 7 days straight of eggs, I start to gag at the smell of them...if I scramble them, I get major heartburn, so I must stick with poaching them.
Trying no to think about the job, or Trish and the baby....just praying that everything is awesome with all three.
Ang is supposed to watch the girls tonight while Ron take Ali out for her birthday...I'm not watching them, I wasn't asked, so I will not have them out here in the living room. They can stay in Ang's room with her. I will not be babysitting them for free anymore! I am not a flippin dump site! They both have jobs, and they are majorly taking advantage of two people who are unemployed!! At least I will not do it anymore.... If they want to ask her, then they need to stay in her room! I know I am being bitchy....but I'm not catering to anyone anymore. I am gonna live my life, even if I just lie on the couch and do nothing! Think I'm gonna take a shower before they come down to drop the girls off.....

Wed Jan 12, 2011 219.5

2011-01-12T11:59:00.000-08:00

Godd morning! Feel great, weigh in this morning showed another 1.5 lb loss! Yay...
I am happy that I got offered the job at WVH! Alex told me to complete the online application and once the personality test was sent, they would schedule me for orientation...provided the starting rate is at least 12/hr. I am praying that the LORD will look down on me with his grace and see to it that I make what I need to in order to support myself and Ang. I have faith that all will work out the way it needs to be. In GOD'S name...AMEN...

Jan 10- EF restart- 221

2011-01-10T10:49:00.000-08:00

Ok, good results from the very modified EF. Down 10.5 lbs since 1-1-11. I am very happy with the 10+ loss. The most I have ever lost in one week prior to this was 9 lbs! I am so excited that I am that much closer to my short term goal of being under 200 by March 11th when I go to Oregon to visit Jen! Oh happy day that would be if I was back in ONE-derland! 22 lbs in 8 weeks....hopefully that would be great to have to report...not to mention that I will have to buy new pants...again! Oh darn....such a hassle! haha just kidding. I would LOVE to have to buy new clothes! Back tomorrow to post the daily weigh-in results.

Day 6 EF 221

2011-01-09T19:52:00.000-08:00

Modified the EF....seemed to want to cheat all the time. Doing well considering official weigh in is tomorrow morning, but I measured today, must have miscalculated before because even in spots I lost an inch or two, overall it added up to 61 inches. I am extremely happy with those results. Morning weigh in was a 221. that means down 10.5 lbs since 1-1-11.

Day 4 EF

2011-01-06T15:13:00.000-08:00

Did about 45 min on the tramp today. Still working on more time. I am feeling good, feeling some kind of burn in my body. I am going to modify slightly and have a tuna salad for dinner. Tuna, lettuce, pickles n that's it! Want to have a little bit of protein in my body but also just eat for me since I am working out a little bit and burning more calories. I am done with the trying to make sure that I lose more...I won't do it. I will just keep working on the tramp, doing the kettlebells and doing what my body feels good doing. I think I will have a early dinner after posting this to the blog, so then I can have an almond snack before I take a shower n go to bed...this way I have more time to digest what I ate...

Weird...and frustrating!

2011-01-06T12:05:00.000-08:00

Ok, now Ang is flippin starving herself with just oatmeal! Can she really be that desperate to surpass me in my weight?! She has been eating pretty mych nothin but oatmeal for the past 3 days! Yes, I know I'm eating nothing but eggs, but at least its protein! She is having 1 cup of oatmeal 3 times a day...and nothing in between. I have decided that I will no longer tell her how much I weigh. If she wants to starve herself its not going to be because I weigh less than her. I will tell her exactly that on Monday when she asks me if I lost anything! I plan on telling her, "I am not doing this to compete with you! Why are you turning it into a competition and trying to starve yourself? If that's what you're going to do, I just won't tell you so that way you have no idea where I'm at with my weight"
I started out on this diet to lose weight to feel better about myself, and you're ruining it for me. It makes me feel that I want to quit but now I can't because I don't want to have you telling everyone that you weigh less than me and that I couldn't stick to the diet...because that's exactly what she will do! UGH.....so flippin frustrating!

Day 4 EF -223.5

2011-01-06T07:46:00.000-08:00

Ok, so the cracker binge left me at 223.5. No further loss but I am back on the EF completely until at least Monday. Day started out good...ate my breakfast, took Beanie to school and got a wave good morning from Brandon in the parking lot. At least he didn't cringe and totally ignore me! I am grateful for that. Anyhoo, I am planning on doing some tramp work and some basic stretching and cardio. Want to see if I can make 20 min at a time on the tramp instead of 5 or 10. I think it's gonna be a great day! Amazing how a smile and wave can do so much for me and my confidence! Will post more later as the day progresses.

Post Script Day 3 EF 223.5

2011-01-05T19:16:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I got a little wobbly so I figured I needed some protein. Instead of my egg and mayo, I did 2.5 oz tuna w/mayo, 1/4 oz cheese, and 1.5 slices bacon...Hopefully that doesn't show a dramatic change to my weight, but I will take the chance....as long as I can go all protein, I am good with whatever I can lose....just want a big jumpstart and if I can go hogwild and do this....then so be it...I don't care if it's an eggfast, tunafast, whatever yields me the most losses. Did step on an hour ago and lost another half pound! that makes me at 223 to close out the night....we'll see what I am at 6 am! Peace Out...

January 5, 2011 Day 3-EF 223.5

2011-01-05T14:02:00.000-08:00

Ok, in a nutshell...
Sept 2, 2010 started on the 6WBM with Angie. Starting weight at that time was 262. This down from original 277! So that bump of minus 15 to start was great. Over the course of the last 4 mos, I have gotten down to 231.5 to end out 2010. I was actually at 228, but over Christmas and New Year's I gained 3.5.
Anyway, starting out Jan 1 of 2011, I weighed in at 231.5.
I started the eggfast that Jimmy Moore did. Started it on the morning of Jan 3.
As of this morning I weighed in at 223.5!
So, since Sunday, I am down 8 lbs!
Very pleased with those results and will continue with the EF until I can't stand it anymore. Should have thought to start this blog out right on the first, but I spaced it. Anyway, I have been doing great with the exercise, and even got up at 6 am to do a little tramp work! Ok, today I have already put in 1 1/2 hrs of exercise, pretty much done with my daily requirement of water. I feel good and I love that I can actually feel my tummy shrinking! LOVE IT.
Menu is ongoing and is planned as:
B-1 egg, 1 tsp cream cheese, 1 slice bacon
S-6 almonds
L-1 egg, 1 tsp cream cheese
S-6 almonds
D-1 egg, 1 tsp cream cheese
This will be the menu for the duration. I do not plan to deviate from this as long as I am getting awesome results. I need to exceed my goals if I want to wow Jen and Jules when I visit in March. I want to look better and feel great about my body. I am committed to the changes that I will be making. I am only slightly tired from getting up so early, but I have to get ready for when I start school. I will have plenty of almonds and plenty of soft boiled eggs to munch on wherever I go. I will have my lunchbag and will try to keep a constant supply of water handy also. I am pleased with my willpower to commit. Also, since my sis thinks this is a competition, well then, let the games begin! She has been sneaking on her Abcircle, I have been taking advantage of the gym downstairs AND the trampoline. I will be doing some kettlebell work tonight before I get ready for bed. Hopefully won't have to take the girls along with Beanie, but we shall see...

Day 1....again

2010-07-03T14:48:00.000-07:00

Saturday July 3, 2010
Went to the clinic for my shots( felt like a pin cushion) for clinicals yesterday and my physical to be ok'd for working.
Blood pressure a little high, their scale shows 278....wonderful.
Have to go back on Wed, and then again on Fri for the TB testing. On Friday, I think I will ask them to check my weight again to see if I lost anything in a week.
Then I have to go back in a month for my 2nd Hep B shot (will weigh then)
and 6 mos after for the 3rd Hep B shot(hopefully will have lost tons by this time!)
So...today is Day 1 revisited on the Egg Fast.
Goal is to eat at least 6 eggs per day.
Menu so far......as of 3 pm Az time.
3 HB eggs, 1 tsp mayo, 10 pork rinds.
32 oz ice tea

redirection

2010-05-28T21:22:00.000-07:00

It's Friday. Dani graduated on Wed, Luna and Coral spent the night. Took them back home Thurs afternoon and picked up Lex and Bean to spend the night. Went back this afternoon and picked up Luna and Coral and took all 4 swimming. Made them mac n cheese for lunch and then after, we made snow cones! Eva and Pancho came by after all 4 girls went home. They picked up D's old bed for Nissa. Finally have my LR back! Met the new neighbor. after I finish this post i am hittin up the Pinot. Will enjoy my weekend and will be starting back at school on Tues. The girls start coming on Tues also. D will watch while I am in class every morn. Looks like I will be taking them swimming every other day. Not every because I won't be able to handle that! too much sun, to much heat....too much exposure! I am NOT a 'let's go swimming in the middle of the day" person! I am way too heavy to be taking my fat arse into the pool and trying to swim! No way, no how. Plan on restarting my EF on Sun....will check in then......

Day 5 menu

2010-04-15T20:16:00.006-07:00

Day 5 menu=
4 eggs
2 tsp butter
2 tablespoons whipped cream cheese
80 oz water
32 oz iced tea
6 pork rinds
4 black olives

Added some pork rinds/olives....waited too long between meals and was hungry! Made some small changes that I probably shouldn't have, but still low carb so no harm, no foul.
Wasn't able to weigh in this morning so I will hopefully get a chance in the morning of day 6.

2010-04-15T20:16:00.005-07:00

2010-04-15T20:16:00.003-07:00

2010-04-15T20:16:00.001-07:00

Day 4 menu

2010-04-14T16:24:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the end results for Day 4 menu:

3 eggs-I know I should be having more!
2 tsp butter
2 oz ground beef-no more of this once the last 1 oz is gone
1/2 oz cream cheese-much better with cream cheese
1/4 oz cheddar cheese
80 oz water
20 oz iced tea-way down from 40 oz!
see ya in the morning for 4 day results on morning of Day 5....

Day 4-255.5

2010-04-14T14:23:00.000-07:00

Day 3 menu-
4 eggs
2 tsp butter
1 oz gound beef(went too long in between meals and didn't get enough protein in)
80 oz water
Feel real good, so far 3 full days of the egg fast and down a total of 7 lbs!
Starting weight 262.5
Current weight(630 am) 255.5
Woo hoo! I am gonna keep pluggin along until I can't stand the sight of eggs anymore or the fast runs its course and I stop losing....
We'll see what happens!
Day 4 menu to be posted in the morning...
so far, 2 eggs, 1 oz ground beef, 1/4 oz cheese, 32 oz water.....

Day 3-256.5

2010-04-13T10:01:00.000-07:00

Ok, Beginning of Day 3, geting ready to have my first round of eggs.
Current weight-256.5, down 6 lbs from start.
I can't believe that so far I am down 6 pounds in basically 2 full days of the egg fast! As long as I am being amazed, bring on the eggies! Love it! Will check in later to post my daily menu, but I just had to enter the new weight right now!

Week 1 Egg Fast

2010-04-12T20:42:00.000-07:00

Ok, here it is, 6 weeks until graduation. Starting 4/11/10, I began the 'egg fast' that JM did for 30 days with results of 27 lbs lost.
Day 1-My beginning weight is 262.5.
Sunday's menu-
4 eggs
2 tbsp mayo
1 oz cheese
80 oz water
32 oz tea w/sucralose
Didn't really feel hungry, which is a good thing.
My goal is to stay on this egg fast for as much of the 6 weeks as possible.
I want to lose at least 30 lbs before then. This way I will below what I was when I got laid off in Feb of '09.
Day 2-current weight 258--down 4.5 from yesterday? water weight, I know...but I will definitely take anything I can get!
Monday's menu-
6 eggs
3 tsp butter
1/2 oz cheese
80 oz water
32 oz tea w/sucralose
My goal is to cut way down on the tea w/sucralose as much as possible by the end of the experiment. Today I did experience some heartburn, not sure what is causing it but it sucks! I don't like it at all. I will be trying to have cream cheese with my eggs tomorrow, see what that's like. I am shooting for NOT having anything other than the eggs, butter, cream cheese and water for the entire 6 weeks.
Will try to post on a daily tally of what I have eaten for each day. I will be weighing every morning to keep a fine tuned eye on my progress and if it slows, will adjust slightly my egg fest/fast to see if I need any further tweaking.....

2010-01-17T23:51:00.001-08:00

Sunday

2010-01-17T22:01:00.001-08:00

Just finished my batch of chessecake muffins with cinnamon on top....yummy. Tried the Scotch eggs tonight for dinner...if you ask me, it is just sausage and eggs...just all rolled up into a ball. Ok, I guess, but took too long to cook, and I ended up frying them in a pan to brown them...probably won't be doing that again. I will be looking forward to taking the cheesecake muffins for breakfast on school days when I have to be there early(M-W-R-F) especially on Wed since I will be there until like 2, so I will be having one for lunch also. I am looking forward to weighing in the morning, but my official weigh-in day is Friday.

2010-01-13T18:26:00.000-08:00

jsut tried cleochatra's zucchini pizza....hello....where the blazes was this the last time?! i LOVE IT....It is great, just have to tweak it a bit so that it's not so oily.....think parchment to soak it up.....different pan to get the desired thickness.....ended up with thin crust, but still very good!

269!!

2010-01-11T10:49:00.000-08:00

WooHoo! Down 8 lbs! Happy, happy, happy! Need to go to the grocery store. Gotta get supplies before I'm stuck in a cheat situation. I am soo happy to see some weight loss. I know all the stories about the first lbs are water weight, it's not normal....blah, blah, blah.....I don't care! A loss is a loss! That is my only concern! yay!!!! now off the computer and off to the store!
Luv you buh bye!

271.5

2010-01-09T19:45:00.001-08:00

Know I shouldn't, but I have weighed in at 271.5...said I wasn't gonna weigh but once a week, but I just couldn't help myself! It's a good thing that I lost, so I'm happy....just have to go grocery shopping for all the goodies to make the oopsies. I ordered the muffin top pan and the spiral slicer to help me on the LC lifestyle change! WooHoo! Down 5.5!!!! Yay

272.5

2010-01-08T17:09:00.000-08:00

Ok, that's what the lovely scale told me at 5 am. I am tired from my insomnia but I'm happy that this is no longer 277. Been checking out various sites for low carbing it. Off and on with LC since 1990...you'd think I would get it right by now! UGH never should let life get in the way of LC! My roller coaster ride has been constant, but right now, I'm the biggest than I've ever been....even at 9 mos preggers ready to deliver! At that point, I was 198 and thought I was a complete cow! If I was a cow then, what the heck am I now???? Orca?! lol life happens and I didn't deal well with everything that I did. No excuses, no one forced the food into my trap! Except me! I accept full responsibility for all the crap I ate and the complete lack of exercise that I didn't do! My fault, but I forgive me. I have started today on the LC and I am determined to shed at least 50 lbs before graduation in May(26th to be exact). That's 19 weeks....I saw a blog(that I'm following now) that showed someone lose 50 in 10 weeks....if I stick to LC and drink my Agua, and exercise...it should be VERY do-able!
Will keep postings short. Menu for today was Brunch--2 lettuce rolls(ground beef, cucumbers,avocados, tomatoes with side salad. and iced tea...slow on the water, but I am not hungry(good thing) and will try to get the water down....promise....gym tomorro...(have one here in my complex) gonna shoot for 30 min prior to every meal if I'm home. TTFN

http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wjqT9sp/

2010-01-07T18:15:00.000-08:00

http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wjqT9sp/

Still 277

2010-01-07T16:36:00.000-08:00

Still 277, not out to a great start. Made a committment to Jen that we push each other. Did my measurements-
Arms-19
Chest-51
Waist-51
Hips-55
Thighs-30
they suck, but at least I know my starting point. now I can start to change my eating and starting my exercising. this is here for accountability to Jen when she asks and so that i have everything in black and white, no excuses. Positive changes!

277

2010-01-02T12:18:00.000-08:00

slept in til 11. was really tired, but now I feel great! just finished lunch. tuna on a bed of lettuce, tomatoes, olives with a pinch of cheese. 1 tbs cottage cheese and 1 tbs mayo mixed with the tuna. side of crackers with approx 24 g carbs....starting my change slowly. I am working up to 20 g or less per day. I feel good, not groggy as usual. title is my starting weight. Starting with more water and starting slowly at the gym. got my nano sleeve and my water bottle...have 2 full weeks to get menus down and workout routine in place before classes start so that everything can merge together without stress.
Time for working out--5:30-6:30 am // extended times on W, S, S
Monday-school 7:30-11:00 am
Tuesday-school 5:00-9:00 pm
Wednesday-school 7:30-2:30 pm
Thursday-school 7:30-11:30, 3:30-7:30
Friday-school 7:30-9:30

S-T-G-down 30 by end of 1st week of Feb for Dani's senior nite pics for cheer. (240-245)
L-T-G-down 70 by last wk of May to get into blk/wht dress for Dani's graduation. (200-210)
LL-T-G-down 120-150 by my birthday to get into purple dress. (125-145)

sunday, beautiful sunday

2009-12-27T14:35:00.001-08:00

it's been a few days but i wanted to write this down so I know it really happened. I have waited all my life waiting to hear 3 words...Now I finaly have heard them. My mom finally told me "I love you" ....it was the greatest present that I could have ever gotten. I felt that I needed it to be able to forgive my family for everything. I got it, and I AM able to forgive all the wrongs that they have done to me! I feel such a warmth in my heart! The Secret truly DOES work! She told me without any judgement or criticism. they welcomed us back with open arms. that's all i ever really wanted. I can forgive and live my life as I choose. the past is gone and my now happens as I choose. Life is wonderful and I truly feel Love surrounding me and I know that I am truly worthy!

On a Sunday morning the week of Christmas

2009-12-20T10:06:00.000-08:00

Well, here it is the 20th of Dec. Where did this year go? Seriously, it really doesn't seem like it's been 10 months that I have been out of a job! It's great and wonderful to have the opportunity to change careers. How lucky am I? I have had many opportunities in my life to try different things. I've done the whole semiconductor thing, x-ray tech, massage therapist, and have even created my own scrub oil mixture that I love and people like! Now I am studying to enter the HIM field....got my 1st semester grades...5 A's and 1 B! I love it and I am extremely happy with my results! I have met alot of wonderful people and interesting at that! I love my life! My daughter has grown into a beautiful young woman, fiercely independent but still very dependent on her momma! I love that! I spoil her trememdously and that's ok! As soon as I pick up my powerball winning check for last night's drawing, I will be even more financially blessed to take care of myself, my daughter and my loved ones! I am so blessed and thankful that the Universe is providing to me everything I need, at the exact time I need! All good things are coming to me. An abundance of money flows to me freely and consistently! I am grateful for the abundance of money to add to my perfect health and being able to eat what I want and maintain my perfect weight of 110 lbs! I have the perfect life that the Universe has helped me to create! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

2009-12-12T14:17:00.000-08:00

trying to hunt down info on the silica that I used to buy for the scrubs.....want to start making small batches to see if I can perfect the recipe. Just want to try to get a website up and running and try to make. My recipe doesn't separate like most, it's much more manageable and by adding just a touch of water before applying, it's really smooth going on and rinses releatively clean. It doesn't leave the greasy layer on the bottom of the tub like most scrubs.

long time since last post

2009-12-05T15:15:00.000-08:00

Okay, so here I am, found out I lost 9.5 lbs which is great, and realized I don't need some stupid body bugg to track anything if I can track it myself! Waiting on confirmation to get my money back, like I can really afford to shell out 200 bucks for it anyway! Could use a new blender instead! maybe a juicer!
Ok, onward and upward. What can I say...Linda shafted me again! Am I surprised? no, deep down I new that she wouldn't be giving me any money. I pray and I pray that she will find the money and do the right thing and pay me back. I am trying to use The Secret in all my thoughts. It's a slow process, but I believe that I will get my money back.
As far as the whole situation with Joe. Well, he has wronged be for the a long time, and thought he could treat me like a sack of dirt in front of Dani, well that didn't happen, and I told her that I didn't want him in my house ever again. I do not and will not go for that treatment. I put up with dealing with him and his family for longer than I should have and since Dani is 18 now, my obligation has been terminated and I no longer have any responsibility to the Miller family.
Ty told me that it was time for me to forgive him.....even though I told Ty that her wasn't worth my forgiveness, Ty told me that I need to forgive Joe, not for Joe's peace of mind, but for MINE! That way I could let is all go and move on with my life! I never realized that this is what I needed to do to let go of the hurt and misery that Joe has caused me all of these years.
In my quest to find out what is missing in my life, I finally realized what is was, with Ty's help of course. I need to work on my relationship with the Lord. He is there waiting for me to pass on my trials and tribulations to HIM so that he can carry the weight of my burdens for me. My job is to continue my faith in HIM and feel his glory and love. Although I have yet to attend a service since I don't know where I belong yet, I truly feel that is the next step that I need to do.
Yes, it's been a long time since I posted, and it looks like I've had a bunch of revelations....I have and I truly believe that my faith in the Lord will bring me through this period in my life. I believe that he has something bigger in store for me. I am truly destined for service to HIM, to feel the glory of his love, the abundance of all that he can share.

2009-09-23T15:04:00.000-07:00

Wow! Been a while since I posted anything...lot going on, school started, got 6 classes and I'm swamped! Getting into the groove of all this homework and reading....tired, feel fat and lazy, son't want to do anything, but I know I have to. Started jumping on the rebounder yesterday...did 40 min, 4 intervals of 10 min each. Gotta go slow, don't want to make myself sick or anything....have the game on Friday that I have to go to. Get to see the girls from the clinic and see how well they picked up the routine. Have to finish the test for Nelda's class by Sat. have 2 OR 3 assignments that I need to have in by Sat. Gonna get to those tomorrow...going to slg tonite, see how I did on the test....wish me luck!

fyi

2009-07-22T13:35:00.000-07:00

watching Oj and Brandi's girls this week. Kind of frustrating only because I'm not used to both of them being so fidgety and contantly asking questions....it's ok I guess, just not used to it since Dani is almost 18 that I forget how she used to be....it's all pretty normal. Love to have them here, they really are good kids. I had one reading today and the other was drawing, then Lex passed out and beanie tried to wake her up and I told her to leave her alone, that maybe she was tired. Beanie ended up falling asleep too! Dani is in her room with a sore throat, watching Hercules! What a baby! hahaha Me? sitting here writing this, tired, want to go to sleep, wishing I could, maybe I'll go to sleep early....

2009-07-14T21:31:00.000-07:00

i don't know what to think right now...i have lost her. all the things that i did to make sure that she didn't turn into me, turned against me. she's afraid of me and has been all her life...how can I undo that? I can't...i am a complete and utter faulure as a mom...if she is afraid of me, she doesn't want to be around me...i hate mself right now... everything i did was a complete failure. I tried to raise her the complete opposite from how i was...i didn't want her to be bitter like me...i guess because i was so adamant about doing the right thing, I did everything wrong....she finally stood up to me....and I deserved it....I've been fighting that she is growing up....after she's moved on with her life, I will have nothing...I turned into the one person that I swore I never would.....I hate myself like you can't imagine. my heart hurts and i don't know how to fix this. i feel so alone and so lost right now...I thought I was doing right by her and I fucked everything up.....what is the point now? I've lost her...she's not my baby anymore and furthermore, she is fucking terrified of me! I give up....there's nothing else I can do....God help me, I just want to stop hurting....I want to fix it but I cant take back all of those years....I'm sorry, so very sorry.....no matter what, I love you and will always love you.....

2009-06-13T23:28:00.000-07:00

doing nothing, still fat, still not doing a thing about it. went through some old pics....saw some "skinny" pics and other "fat" pics, I guess it doesn't matter, as long as my baby is happy and not embarrassed by me.....I will start in the morning to ee if I can get below 200 before the football senioe night.....let's see how I do between Sunday June 14 (264) through Sunday September 6.....that's 12 weeks! come on now....you can do it! I will try to do something physical to enhance the results.....if I stick to the keto, I can hopefully get rid of at least a minimum of 60 by then.....if I exercise, then even more....and that's at a rate of 20 lbs every 4 weeks....5 lbs per week....less than 1 lb a day.....YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!! Just want to feel better about myself while I have to start going to the friday niht football games starting at the end of August....hopefully under 200........

2009-06-05T22:29:00.000-07:00

been awhile....been stuffing my face. got my homework done for the most part....have to submit assignment 2 for terminology. essay 6 for delivery, and finish writing the rough draft for eng which is due on monday. done with bio....thanfully no essays this week, only a quiz and the lab....not real impressed with the lab i did, seemed kind of thrown together...but that' ok. whatever works....have to really start working on my fat ass because August will be here real soon and I need to be well on my way before senior night for football! This next week is my last for terminology and delivery...yay! then will just have the 2 classes until beginning of August. I have to get use to this new laptop that I bought yesterday....pretty close to the old one, but it seems as though the keys stick...maybe just have the newness thing still going on..... overall, haven't been depressed so that's good. met some nice kids in the English class...everyone seems nice for the most part....the people at the college seem to be really nice also. I'm not reall worried about English....it's biology that is worrying me....no....no negativity....I will understand everything I read and every quiz will be at least 80% or better. I will overcome any obstacle that I encounter. I will triumph because I will persevere! I CAN DO IT and I WILL DO IT!!!!!!!

procrastinating

2009-05-25T14:24:00.001-07:00

I'm scared...scared of not being able to learn everything I need to from the classes. Scared of bombing Bio. I have put off so much this last week, that with each passing hour, I get more and more scared. I know I can do this, I can't let Dani down! I would hate to disappoint her even more. I'm already a huge fat cow, and I know that disappoints her, but I'm working on that. I will do what I can.

fog starting to lift

2009-05-21T00:38:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am, sitting here wondering if all the decisions I have made so far this year have been right. Wondering and finally coming to the decision that whether they've been wrong or right, they've been made and I have to move on. I always thought that I knew exactly what I wanted out of life, and it's come to my attention that even though I may have said that I wanted certain things, I don't do anything to get them! I have been sitting on the sidelines for a long time and have always been afraid to live. I am 41 yrs old and even though I may have experienced alot in my life, I haven't really been living! I have been fooling myself, or so I thought. Why do I think that what I've been doing so far hasn't been living? I have a beautiful smart child, I am extremely proud of her. I have done a great job, if I say so myself! I am living, just very carefully.....I am rambling, I know, but it's just that I am confused and I am pretty disappointed in myself right now for letting myself go, physically. I have gained so much weight since I got let go, and I am not happy about it! I am a good person who deserves to find someone who loves me and accepts me, faults and all! I want a man who is kind, caring, gentle, understanding, inquisitive, patient...well of course, that's not all, but I feel funny listing everything. I just know that I will know who he is when I feel it. I will feel his heart and know....sounds dorky, but I have only been in love once, and he after being with him for 2 yrs, I realized that he wasn't really in love with me. How could he be when he was married, and had a daughter with another woman, all while we were together?!?! Yeah, I know...I was wrong for being with him when he was married, we were friends first, and I was going through my divorce and I'm not trying to justify my bad choices, just that it was a mixture for failure and was a realtionship of convenience. He had his home, and I had mine with my baby girl. I didn't need another man trying to be daddy, or trying to be a husband to me. I am a strong woman, maybe sometimes too strong. I built a wall, and it's been hell trying to break it down. I have a trust problem....I keep thinking that everyone I try to get involved with will end up lying to my like Joe did and will cheat on me, and will ruin my life and I will have to start all over again like I did when I left Joe. It made me hard and bitter...I don't want to be hard and bitter anymore. I want to know what it is to be loved by a man who is true. I am working on my weight thing, but I am not going to let that stop me anymore. I have always said "when I lose weight, I will try to go out more and maybe I will find someone" well, my weight has never been an issue with being with a man, I have had my share, yeah, probably not ones that were good for me, but they served their purpose! hahaha I know, that's mean, but I was never looking for anyone. Haven't been for awhile. I thought I had found someone who fit the bill a few years back, but I screwed that up, and probably ended up making him think I was a psycho stalker! But, you know what? I really liked him, but he was just as screwed up as I was. No excuses. He was married, in turmoil about getting a divorce(his wife had told him that she wanted out, at least that what he told me) of course I bought it hook line and sinker....got involved, he didn't want to be, he was still married, didn't know what he wanted, started drinking more, didn't want anyone to know about the two of us, so hello.....it wasn't the greatest situation, so I pulled back and told him that I would wait until he got his crap together. Well, when he did, he didn't want me, I was just a rebound...but, hey, what didn I expect? A life long love affair? He was getting out of a relationship and all I was, was a f*%& when he could find the time without feeling guilty. Well that whole thing was short lived, he played me. He told me that he cared. I told him that I wouldn't let anything sexual happen unless I cared for a guy...well, he played it and I started caring for him. What a fool I was, but you live and learn, right? Thought he was different, but he was just like all the other guys I have had the misfortune to become involved with. That all changes today.....never again. if I want sex, then so be it. if I want it, not if he wants it, not because he sweet talks me, not because i am falling for him. He will be the one pursuing ME. I am not going to allow that kind of behavior towards me anymore! I have survived alot of crap in my life, and I am no longer going to take any! I am a strong beautiful woman who deserves to be with a man who is both good looking, sexy, extremely sexual, active, kind generous, hard working, and well, just the total package....the package that is perfect for ME!

2009-05-19T13:33:00.000-07:00

I am so shocked to here of a very good friend's death yesterday. Ever since I've been laid off, I haven't kept in contact with anyone because I have gained so much weight. I am going to miss him terribly. Todd was always nice to me, and no matter what, he always had a smile for me. I enjoyed talking with him and commiserating about how sucky our job was or how we hated those damn bunny suits....Todd, I never had the opportunity to tell you how much your kind words and caring nature meant to me. You, as a man, never spoke to me as if you judged me by the way I looked, or what size I was. For that, I am truly grateful. The world has lost a genuine old soul and your passing brings to light just how precious life is and how, no matter what size I am, I need to live life. I need to stop waiting for life to happen to me. Todd had an ongoing struggle with his weight for as long as I knew him, but he never let it stop him from living....I will now use you, Todd as my inspiration...I owe it to you. You are my hero. You never let anything stop you, with your words, or how you lived. I will always regret that we never go to know each other as true friends should, not just co-workers who had a long history of working at the same places. I regret that, and for that I am truly sorry. I am truly overcome with the sense of loss that I feel knowing that you are no longer on this Earth. You were a different class of person that people only dream to be. I consider myself truly blessed to have known you and I will miss you, Todd.

Sunday, beautiful Sunday

2009-05-17T18:25:00.000-07:00

Not much going on today. Relaxing and gearing up for another wonderful week of schoolwork! Trying to manage my eating. Want pizza. Want something. I've been sitting at the computer for the last 4 hrs and I am tired of looking at the screen. Just wanted to log on and write a little tidbit. Want to make sure I keep up with this. It really seems to help, being able to write down my thoughts and such. tata for now...toodles

catch up

2009-05-16T22:43:00.000-07:00

OMG! my online courses are making me feel as though I am in a trap! One of them especially, the instructor expects 6-8 hrs a day of studying.....when the hell are you supposed to work or have a life?!?! She is absolutely nuts I tell you! Anyhoo...on to what's been going on with me. Still a fat cow, seriously thinking about buying the hoopnotica hoop and dvd set to try. I am starting tomorrow on the managing the food thing....excellent recipes from the Cook yourself thin show on lifetime! I am really excited about trying some of those....I realized that I am killing myself....it's embarrassing to say, but it is difficult to clean in the bathroom with this huge fat gut that I now have! It's mortifying.....all I can do is start working out with my bellydance and hula dancing dvd's that I currently have....I need to do something....I refuse to be that fat woman and my kid's sporting events.... I refuse to be the fat mom....I REFUSE!!!!!!

2009-05-04T14:39:00.001-07:00

busy, busy! trying to get my 3 online classes situated without stressing too much! I did good this morning and didn't pig out crazily! Just a quick little ditty about people trying to be better than everyone else! Why can't people be content to be who they are and stop trying to be something they are not?? I hate the drama that girls expecially, can bring to someone's life....why do some have to be screaming banshees when they are fat, ugly cocksucking little whores???? There's a certain female that does this and is so jealous of other people because they are beautiful and she's not. She's a cow, and her mother thinks that because she puts her in cotilluion? events, that it will make her beautiful.....hell no! the kid is even uglier than the mom...who by the way, thinks that just because she throws money at her kid, that it will hide the fact that she is a raging alcoholic! ha! That is one family that projects every bit of ugliness on the inside AND out! so pitiful..... I am definitely glad to be rid of them from my life! I am trying to begin my life without drama, hopefully that will happen....it's too bad people have to let others influence them so much that they drop their real friends for fakers.....oh well, one day they will realize and it will be their loss! I am shedding the udligness in my heart that has laid dormant for the past year and I let it go....One day they too will receive their comeuppance......

Sunday, day 1

2009-05-03T12:52:00.000-07:00

Hello, just checking in...been busy the past few days with pressing engagments which turned out beautifully...I have never been more proud and amazed...my child is truly a remarkable individual! I am trying to start the low carb thing..putting some eggs to boil after I'm done here... gotta defrost some chicken for lunch and dinner...have stuff for salad, so that's good. I don't know exactly when I will start slowly exercising yet...can't start everything all at once! I'm not that motivated...have to see a little bit of results before I can do that! I know I can do this. I am strong. I am motivated. I will succeed. I want to be slimmer by the time this fall semester starts, or at least very well on my way. I have so much to prepare for in this next coming year, and I want to be slimmer when I do it. I will not embarass myself further! I will become someone that I am proud of, to be the woman I know I am inside, now I will proudly display it on the outside as well. the day is beautiful, my child is wonderful. I am very grateful for this, my life. Thank you Lord for all of your many blessings. In your name, I humbly give my thanks and embrace all of your glory.

2009-05-01T21:53:00.000-07:00

Such a sad state of affairs....went to the store tonight to pick up some fat girl clothes. As I have been unemployed, I have become a hermit and haven't left my home very much over the past 3 months. I was both disappointed and disgusted by the sizes that I had to purhase...I had some 2x and a couple of 3x tops(fat arms...batwings as I call them) and my new capris are a size 20...I didn't even try them on, but the size 22 jeans that I currently have swim on me, so I figured I would try 1 size down. I hope they fit...I have a couple of events that I have to attend this next week, and all I have is a pair of black pants....yeah, with the weather warming up, black probably isn't the best thing, but with a few of the tops that I bought, I won't look like a fat slob...I'll look like a decent fat woman now, not a slob. I don't want to embarass my child when I go, so I had to get something that I can wear and not feel too bad. My child is wonderful, no judgements, but I don't want my child to feel awkward because I feel awkward. If I have some decent tops to pair with the black pants, then I will feel ok, and be able to portray that when I'm out this next week.
I am motivated to do something..after I saw the sizes and how I looked undressed(haven't looked at myself in a long time) I tend to avoid mirrors, so that I don't have to face myself. I got a slap in the face. I am morbidly obese for my height. I am definitely changing the way I look at food. I have no right to treat this wonderful body that I have been blessed with in this manner! How dare me to abuse what God has given me! Lord forgive me for the abuse that I have perpetrated on my body. I am asking for you forgiveness and for your blessings to make it right. I promise on this day, Friday May 1 2009, to change my life for the better. Starting point today is 265 pounds. I promise to blog everyday and to log my feelings, and to log my progress in my quest. I have much to be thankful for and I am especially grateful for this opportunity to be able to change my life...most people don't get the opportunity to do this. I accept this opportunity and embrace it! I am going to be nothing but positive and look at the good. I have a beautiful, loving, intelligent, kind-hearted, giving, awesome child. They are my life. I must make my body reflect the love that I have and receive from my friends and child. I release the animosity towards my family for all that they have done and said. I grew up in a negative, critical, emotionally abusive family that never encouraged me in anything that I did. To this day I am treated as a fat little child who is ugly and who no one will ever want. This is what I was told as I grew up. I forgive them, and acknowledge that everyone has an opinion, but I do not have to subscribe to their thoughts. I know deep inside that I am beautiful and I deserve to be loved and cherished. I will make that happen!

what a damn fine life i have....

2009-05-01T16:38:00.000-07:00

Just weighed in for the fun of it....holy cow...I'm a cow! I am weighing in at an awful 265 lbs...that's horrible for my 5"1' frame! I feel like I can't breathe! No wonder with all the fat surrounding my heart! I have to make an effort! I don't want to die like this! I am a beautiful woman and now my outside needs to match my inside! If anyone out there has any suggestions....

First time blog

2009-05-01T16:11:00.000-07:00

Hi....Very new at this, just need a sec......
Okay, little bit of paper on me..I am a 'hefty' woman(with a diva deep down inside) wishing to get on a life program that will help me release my inner diva. I recently lost my job and career of more than 20 years. I am hitting the books for a change in careers and I am flippin out! I am terrified. I have no clue how to write a stupid essay for my classes! It's been forever and a day since I've done that, and so much has changed! Everyone thinks that you should know what the heck you're doing when you go back to school....if I knew what the heck I was doing, I wouldn't be there! It's frustrating, and does not help in my quest to find my slimmer diva. I've always had success with the whole low-carb thing and I'm thinking I could try again...only problem, I have no motivation with all the stress from starting school! To add to my dilemna, I've gained almost 30 pounds in the last 3 months! I feel like a beached whale and a pitiful one at that! I am a sorry sack of $%#@ and I hate myself right now. I am trying to motivate myself to get healthier and to find myself a man who will love me completely....I am tired of being alone and not focusing on myself! Ok, I'm rambling...not much else to say right now, just glad I can get some of this off my chest.